Sunday, October 19, 2014

Hectic.

LIt has been such a long, tiring, fucking pissed/frustrated/upset week from 12/10-19-10.
Nvr been so fucking pissed since that woman left. The whole entire pw grp, excluding gail. Fuck them srsly.
I cried every single day in schl.
Having to stay back till 9pm everyday, having to do drafts after drafts, yet receiving rework as comments.
No regular meals everyday.
Surviving the entire next day in schl with 4-5h of slp the previous night.
Fell sick. Gail too.
So on 17/10, I had no choice but to follow miss geri to teck whye mcd aft school closes at 9pm. But it was fun, ending the shitty week with laughters on friday.
Aloy and bryan's group were there too! Didnt manage to do much so I had to go back schl to meet miss geri on 18/10, saturday to do wr. Bryan came to join us aft he finished printing his wr which became the popular sample wr in 2 nights.
Was really grateful for him cos he helped me alot! We went to his house to do at 4pm all the way till 10pm.
He did rephrasing, formatting and 2 chapters for me. Was really weird to go to his house alone aft we split. Having dinner at his house aft working hard tgt. That was really memorable...
That night felt like we were back to the time when we were dating. Such intimacy, the support. The fun. The laughter. The comfort.
He walked me home and that few nights we did hug. It felt so surreal.
Today I met him at 10am at the resident's corner. Thought only had minor changes but ended up with quite some editing even though I woke up at 6am to edit.
No choice but to go up his house since im waiting for miss geri's reply. Had lunch at his house too! Feel so paiseh to always go his house! But yup, we did and did. Endless work of formatting. Page number fucks us up!!!
Rush to bukit timah shopping centre to print. Saw aloy in the same bus! Waited for an hour before it's our turn. And everything abt wr is over now, so happy. Next week onwards will be OP, my fear.
But im realy touched and grateful for B. He gave me all the support I need when I was down. Accompanied me whenever possible. Comfort me when I cry. Buying meals for me when I dont have time to eat. Ensuring that I drink enough water and eat med. Sending me home everynight. I really hope that I can depend and rely on him so that we can be closer. :)

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Updates

24/09
Lit was the last paper which ended at 4pm! Headed to J10 with the three for dinner and went to Gail's house to play with emma, qtpie!! Reached home quite late, arnd 9pm+!
25/09
No paper so no school! Went out to study with kh although I have ended my promos! Met him but I was really upset cos he was texting eshir for the entire morning till 12pm when I asked him why he can ttyl me when he's studying but not ttyl to her. Im angry and pissed. But ya..
26/09
No paper no school! First proper shopping date with Gail, hehehe. ^^ met her at JEM at 10am for brunch at Marche. Had saugage and scrambled egg crepe with a cup of coffee. Food was nice and the ambience was good, totally loving it! Had alot of talkings done with Gail! Went to ION and started shopping from 1-3pm! Called N and B to meet at Gail's house thereafter! But emma had to leave when we reached. So we played rockband with gail and her brother! Nicole havent reach so I went down to fetch her so that we could have a talk! Got the shock of my life when we were abt to go back to Gail's house. Saw eshir walking down the long flight of stairs in front of her block while we were walking up...i turned away and told nicole. We then followed her all the way to cwp. She seemed to recognize me. We went to library building to the second floor so that I can look down and check if she's going to meet kh in the library. Waited for 20min but didnt see her. Scanned the second floor in the library and found them, along with the other john guy. Was really disappointed to witness that scene though. Nicole was really angry too. But we went back to gail's house and played rockband. FUNNNN.
We headed to cwp for Hot Tomato for dinner at 7pm! Food was damn nice hehe! Reached home at 9.30pm! Was damn tired to party for 3days consecutively!
28/09
Went to JEM din tai fung for mummy's belated birthday dinner. Quality family time that I enjoy with good food hehe so blessed!!
02/10
First kbox session with friends, the 3!! Sang all the popz songs haha likea club! We headed to J10 aft our class ends at 4pm! Sang till 7! Srsly fun hehe! Then headed to some BBQ chicken restaurant for dinner, fishnchips. Not really nice and quite expensive. Wouldnt return to dine agn. Walked home with bryan aft parting with N and G. The walk home was silent...i really dislike how we have become aft our split. Really hope we can return back to how we used to be...

Thursday, September 25, 2014

X

Can no longer distinguish his reply towards me as coldness/heckcare or because of promos...
Are these merely my insecurities?
I really dislike myself for being so insecure. And transferring all these insecurities to him during his promos period. I know I shld not and ought not to pass all my troubles to him...
MUST CONTROLLLLLL I WILL NOT TALK TO HIM ABT ESHIR ANYMORE. NOT AGAIN.
I must stop my care....
I must stop my feelings....

End.

Promos had ended as of ytd! Went to Gail's house aft having early dinner at J10 with N, B and Gail! We played with emma, the qtpie!! Left at arnd 8.45pm and was dead tired.
Met kh today since he is having 2 days of study break. Met at 8.50am, had kfc breakfast and went to causeway library! Was supposed to be in a good mood. But he ruined it...texting eshir in front of me at such early timing. I understand that it his promos, so all the 'ttyls' from him recently are understandable. Even though he is always still online aft ttyling me, I nvr asked him abt it. He explained it was because of mousehunt. Ya but being online for every 2min in whatsapp is definitely more than mousehunt. Still, I didnt ask him aft that one time. But I witnessed it myself today. Going out with me to study while texting her...when he studies alone, he will ttyl me. But if he studies with her, he wont bother to text me. Yet, texting her while studying with me. Everything is clearly presented. He can claim how much he loves me, how much im his priority and how much I matter to him as compared to other girls. But actions are louder than words. His actions simply doesnt tally with his words. If he really loves and chooses me, he shld not even text her with those emoji in the first place, joking or not, he shouldnt have. Yes, he did admit his feelings for her. But he did also claim that he had chosen me in the end. Yet he still goes on with his over interaction with her. True, I am in no position to comment on his behaviours, but I just feel really hurt. Hurt by his betrayal. If he did not tell me how much he loves me, how much I matter to him and whatnot, I wouldnt have had these expectations of him.
Can I really let go of him and dont mention a word abt bgr/eshir to him anymore? Can I really dont care abt him anymore? I really want to withdraw myself out of this. Fuck this shit.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

X

On bus alone in 700A, otw home after meeting up with willeen in town.
Thinking abt Bryan.
We split ytd, initiated by me. I feel very sorry towards him, for causing hurt to me. Because kh still matters to me...
I know B can get over me quickly. But I have still hurt him afterall. All the memories that we have created, all the sweet texts.
Have not talked to kh for 5days alrdy. He initiated not to contact for now, at least till after my promos. What's my feelings for him, I really wonder abt this alot....

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Blessed.

It's 12.41am on the 31st aug when I typed this sentence. So technically I shld be using ytd in this entry. Is on 30th aug.
Met B under my void deck at 9.30am sharp to go to schl and study! We took a walk to schl because I thought that thw weather was quite breezy. Turns out that there is no wind while we walked. But it's okay, we enjoyed each other's company. :) reached the canal and we were figuring what is the best method to hold my hand cos of our height difference. >< ended up with the normal way although is abit weird cos of the height. We talked abt my insecurities and pessimism as we continued walking, hands held tgt. He is patient, caring and understanding. Telling me not to be worried as he held my hands tighter. I can sense that he really loves me and wants to continue the journey with me, am greatly touched. We went to the 3rd floor consultation area, just outside teachers' staffroom! No one was there and the whole entire time was super quiet. We sat down and started on our sea deco essay. We had small chats, letting the quietness seep into us. Really enjoyed the moment. Took a break for awhile and skinshipped. He stroked my hair which no one ever does that before. He shifted his chair closer to me and put his arms arnd my shoulders as we talked. I leaned onto him for a short while. All these little actions are making me feel connected to him. I feel that he really wants us to work out. He did stood up and hugged my head when I was sitting down. After which we did some math and had a little chat to end the study session at 1pm sharp! In the bus, he held my hand. Talked abt my finger nails and said that the more different I am from carina, the more he loves me. He loves how I am showing my true side to him. I really appreciated what he told me. He is accepting my flaws. We talked abt my family and his family while otw to plaza! When we reached my void deck, he hugged me, pecked a kiss on my hair.
We wanted to meet and exercise tgt in the evening, but it rained so heavily. We were disappointed initially but the rain stopped at 5.30pm, so I was able to go and meet him! We did not go to the gym. We went to the small park near cashew height terrace. Not a single person there. Weather was perfect because it just rained. Took a stroll before he started running while I walked continuously. 6.40pm, we were done, took a walk to the swing. He held my waist and push me while I was on the swing. That moment was magical. I was truly enjoying myself with his presence. We had a talk abt random stuffs until 7.15pm before he walked me home. We held hands, letting him to send me till blk 147 because I didnt want my parents to see. He was very reluctant to let me go. Hugged me tightly. Received a text from him at arnd 8.45pm just now, so extremely touched that I teared. I feel like he is trying his best to understand me better, getting close with me. I can see myself opening to him more, trying to let him enter my heart. I really hope we will walk the journey together. No matter tough or easy, I need to give it a try, with him by my side.
Anyway I gave him my first hug on Fri, 29aug! Aft the 987dj thing ended, nicole had her dinner in school. Before we left, we went to find him in the hall. Called him out and gave him a hug. Although the 2 SCs saw. >< but ya that was the first time I initiated a hug. So it means smth to both of us. :)
I want to record all of the moments we spend tgt, looking back at the small steps that we made in improving our dating process. All of these are precious memories of mine which I want to cherish by penning them down. :)
I love you.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

-

Aft ytd's h2h talk, im sure B and I definitely get closer to each other even more. Or at least had a deeper level of understanding of each other. :)
And we are considered as dating as of ytd. Idk whether this is a good choice because of the timing, parents, studies, kh. I feel guilty. Yet I cant stop myself. I love how the way things are right now. I cannot afford to go into a r/s. At least not now. Im not ready to enter and commit in a r/s. I'm scared...