Can no longer distinguish his reply towards me as coldness/heckcare or because of promos...
Are these merely my insecurities?
I really dislike myself for being so insecure. And transferring all these insecurities to him during his promos period. I know I shld not and ought not to pass all my troubles to him...
MUST CONTROLLLLLL I WILL NOT TALK TO HIM ABT ESHIR ANYMORE. NOT AGAIN.
I must stop my care....
I must stop my feelings....
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Can no longer distinguish his reply towards me as coldness/heckcare or because of promos...
Promos had ended as of ytd! Went to Gail's house aft having early dinner at J10 with N, B and Gail! We played with emma, the qtpie!! Left at arnd 8.45pm and was dead tired.
Met kh today since he is having 2 days of study break. Met at 8.50am, had kfc breakfast and went to causeway library! Was supposed to be in a good mood. But he ruined it...texting eshir in front of me at such early timing. I understand that it his promos, so all the 'ttyls' from him recently are understandable. Even though he is always still online aft ttyling me, I nvr asked him abt it. He explained it was because of mousehunt. Ya but being online for every 2min in whatsapp is definitely more than mousehunt. Still, I didnt ask him aft that one time. But I witnessed it myself today. Going out with me to study while texting her...when he studies alone, he will ttyl me. But if he studies with her, he wont bother to text me. Yet, texting her while studying with me. Everything is clearly presented. He can claim how much he loves me, how much im his priority and how much I matter to him as compared to other girls. But actions are louder than words. His actions simply doesnt tally with his words. If he really loves and chooses me, he shld not even text her with those emoji in the first place, joking or not, he shouldnt have. Yes, he did admit his feelings for her. But he did also claim that he had chosen me in the end. Yet he still goes on with his over interaction with her. True, I am in no position to comment on his behaviours, but I just feel really hurt. Hurt by his betrayal. If he did not tell me how much he loves me, how much I matter to him and whatnot, I wouldnt have had these expectations of him.
Can I really let go of him and dont mention a word abt bgr/eshir to him anymore? Can I really dont care abt him anymore? I really want to withdraw myself out of this. Fuck this shit.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
On bus alone in 700A, otw home after meeting up with willeen in town.
Thinking abt Bryan.
We split ytd, initiated by me. I feel very sorry towards him, for causing hurt to me. Because kh still matters to me...
I know B can get over me quickly. But I have still hurt him afterall. All the memories that we have created, all the sweet texts.
Have not talked to kh for 5days alrdy. He initiated not to contact for now, at least till after my promos. What's my feelings for him, I really wonder abt this alot....
Saturday, August 30, 2014
It's 12.41am on the 31st aug when I typed this sentence. So technically I shld be using ytd in this entry. Is on 30th aug.
Met B under my void deck at 9.30am sharp to go to schl and study! We took a walk to schl because I thought that thw weather was quite breezy. Turns out that there is no wind while we walked. But it's okay, we enjoyed each other's company. :) reached the canal and we were figuring what is the best method to hold my hand cos of our height difference. >< ended up with the normal way although is abit weird cos of the height. We talked abt my insecurities and pessimism as we continued walking, hands held tgt. He is patient, caring and understanding. Telling me not to be worried as he held my hands tighter. I can sense that he really loves me and wants to continue the journey with me, am greatly touched. We went to the 3rd floor consultation area, just outside teachers' staffroom! No one was there and the whole entire time was super quiet. We sat down and started on our sea deco essay. We had small chats, letting the quietness seep into us. Really enjoyed the moment. Took a break for awhile and skinshipped. He stroked my hair which no one ever does that before. He shifted his chair closer to me and put his arms arnd my shoulders as we talked. I leaned onto him for a short while. All these little actions are making me feel connected to him. I feel that he really wants us to work out. He did stood up and hugged my head when I was sitting down. After which we did some math and had a little chat to end the study session at 1pm sharp! In the bus, he held my hand. Talked abt my finger nails and said that the more different I am from carina, the more he loves me. He loves how I am showing my true side to him. I really appreciated what he told me. He is accepting my flaws. We talked abt my family and his family while otw to plaza! When we reached my void deck, he hugged me, pecked a kiss on my hair.
We wanted to meet and exercise tgt in the evening, but it rained so heavily. We were disappointed initially but the rain stopped at 5.30pm, so I was able to go and meet him! We did not go to the gym. We went to the small park near cashew height terrace. Not a single person there. Weather was perfect because it just rained. Took a stroll before he started running while I walked continuously. 6.40pm, we were done, took a walk to the swing. He held my waist and push me while I was on the swing. That moment was magical. I was truly enjoying myself with his presence. We had a talk abt random stuffs until 7.15pm before he walked me home. We held hands, letting him to send me till blk 147 because I didnt want my parents to see. He was very reluctant to let me go. Hugged me tightly. Received a text from him at arnd 8.45pm just now, so extremely touched that I teared. I feel like he is trying his best to understand me better, getting close with me. I can see myself opening to him more, trying to let him enter my heart. I really hope we will walk the journey together. No matter tough or easy, I need to give it a try, with him by my side.
Anyway I gave him my first hug on Fri, 29aug! Aft the 987dj thing ended, nicole had her dinner in school. Before we left, we went to find him in the hall. Called him out and gave him a hug. Although the 2 SCs saw. >< but ya that was the first time I initiated a hug. So it means smth to both of us. :)
I want to record all of the moments we spend tgt, looking back at the small steps that we made in improving our dating process. All of these are precious memories of mine which I want to cherish by penning them down. :)
I love you.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Aft ytd's h2h talk, im sure B and I definitely get closer to each other even more. Or at least had a deeper level of understanding of each other. :)
And we are considered as dating as of ytd. Idk whether this is a good choice because of the timing, parents, studies, kh. I feel guilty. Yet I cant stop myself. I love how the way things are right now. I cannot afford to go into a r/s. At least not now. Im not ready to enter and commit in a r/s. I'm scared...
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Shortshort update before I fell asleep, on bed with the lights off alrdy!
Went out to plaza mac to study with B today! Met at 10.10am under my void deck! Nicole reached at like 11.20 and left at 12.30pm for church! Did math within that 2h! Continued with lit aft that and had our lunch at food court! B was so funny and amusing! He wanted to help me to buy 手功面but didnt hear me quite well at first. So he came back and asked sotong noodle? HAHA canot take it! Aft that he suggested going to his house to do hmwrk since it's raining and we had nowhere to go. Felt a little weird and awkward at first...because this is the first time im going to a guy's house..going to B's house alone... He called back and his parents agreed! We studied in the dining room with Bridgette! Did some econs drawings from 3-4.45, thereabout! Stood up and stayed at the living room for awhile, looking out from his balcony. Nice view! And saw how comfortable he is with me, felt quite happy. :) went to his room at like 5.45pm and we stayed inside to have a h2h talk till 7.15pm. Talked abt how I feel that his feelings for me are temporary, unsure and uncertain. Talked abt me and kh. Talked abt carina and him. Most importantly, we shared our views on us entering a r/s. Abt what he sees in me. The mood was that perfect. Dark room, raining outside. Just me and him, in his room, having a sincere talk with each other. I feel really comfortable. He showed me his collection of self written love poems, explaining alot of them to me. Made alot of sense and is very meaningful. Again, he is so comfortable with me that he doesnt care abt his image. I love seeing how comfortable he is with me. :) talked alot abt our physical contact and the speed we are progressing now. I hope that he can get to know me more in the shortest time possible because I genuinely hope that we will work out...but ya still looking forward to more of our adventures! ;)
Oh and he sent me home, and we hugged the second time. Actually it was a genuine hug from me today, cos I really did hug him, not halfheartedly. Can say that im liking our physical contact, but im just hoping more of his understanding for me asap! :)
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Just came back from school an hour ago at like 9.30pm. So tired. Stayed back with Nicole and B for night study! Not vwry productive though. But it's okay. Nicole cried alot today, heartpain to see her this way.
But point is..
While walking home from 190 bus stop, B asked me how I felt after his confession. I told him shocked at first cos of the timing and then feeling more of okay now because we were not very awkward and are still communicating well! Talked abt how our classmates were making fun of us, and realizing that he likes me. He always observe me in class during lessons, thats why it's obvious. He told me he subconsciously turned to look at me...
Know that im tired, told him I will fall sick soon at this rate im going. He told me that I cannot miss schl cos he will miss me. Nobody goes home with me. So I said "making use of me to go home with you only la" and his reply "finding an excuse la" haha, qtpie. He said "I love you" twice today, dont know if he really meant it cos he said it in a somewhat joking tone. And then....when we reached my void deck, he said "hug me" and before I could even respond, he hugged me..shocked of my life like srsly. Totally not expecting it at all...our skinship is really getting out of control!!!! Idk if thats good or bad. It suddenly gave me the feeling of him wanting to do as much skinship with me as possible. >< but I dont doubt his feelings cos I can still tell from his actions! Is just that at this rate we are going, im 90% sure that we will end up in a relationship. It is only the matter of time...