Happiness.

Such a happy day today, need to pen this down so that I can read back and feel blessed!
Went to BBCC to study with Bryan for the past two weekends! On 25th july we were not productive. So went to jcube to find Nicole who's doing her pw survey thr! Helped her complete 14 copies as bryan and I slacked at the ice skating rink! Quite a pleasant day! Today we met at 12pm at railmall's subway to do work! End up not really productive, but still managed to complete some work!! :) after which, we went to bryan's house to play badminton at arnd 5pm! Carol and his sister joined us too! Had alot of laughter and fun today because with both of them arnd, I can nvr ever dont laugh! So blessed to have them with me for jc days. :) cant wait to have more fun with them for the rest of the 2years and hopefully be super close aft jc too!! ^^
Bryan's unconfirmed infatuation sort of shocked me. Idk what to say. Although his actions did make me expect that he is infatuated with me, it is still really surprising when he admits it to Nicole. Be it confirmed or unconfirmed. Really curious what they talked abt this afternoon while im away!! Also witnessed a new side of him today. Witnessing how loving and caring he is towards his younger sister is a whole new experience. Haha no wonder he is so good with girls.
He's certainly the type who has boyfr qualities and material, but I know that we are impossible. But tbh, im really curious as to how he will treat his girlfr in future..
Nevertheless, Nicole and Bryan definitely make my school days more fun and tolerable!! Not dreading school as much and am looking forward to going to schl everyday. ^^

Another fight.

Weeks aft weeks, there are bound to be quarrels. We can settle one case and when I have decided to be optimistic and have a little more faith, shit happens agn.
Tbh, im really really affected by eshir. Met Bryan for study session at bbcc ytd from 11am-5pm, and met him for dinner. Met at yishun mrt along with his two other friends which included eshir. Ya, tall and smart. Wouldn't say that shes pretty, but decent looking. Throughout the ride, I did not speak much. Thinking back now, he did not speak much to her as well. Probably because of my presence which makes them feel awkward and unease. Showing how close they are if not for my  presence thr. For him to even admit that he's close with her alrdy explains everything because it is not easy for him to say that he's close with a girl. So if he does feel that they are close, means they are really on close terms. The images of him interacting with her just filled my mind every few minutes. Really felt extremely tired for having these imageries and mindset. From her photos, it is clear to see their degree of closeness too. Dont know what to do now.
With bryan adding in...it just makes everything so complicated. Bryan's actions really make me scared now. Im not implying that he will like me in future or likes me now cos he still loves carina. But the fact that me loving him, yet still being so close with bryan scares me. Because I know I shouldnt do this. But I couldnt deny that im attracted to bryan. Is not the attraction where love is involved. But more of like, he's very sweet and thoughtful in his actions. I constantly find images of him in Bryan. But I know bryan treats every girl like how he treats me, except for Carina. So I shld not think so much.
Still couldn't get over the fact that hes close with eshir. It just hurts, badly. Tearing almost every single night. I wonder how long can I last. I would rather he give up on me now and let me try to forget abt him too. It's hard. But it's far better than the situation we are in right now. The fact that he does not want to give up, yet being so close with eshir. Yet I have no rights to say anything, knowing that he's really trying to restrict himself. Makes me feel super upset and hurt. Because I can simply do nth, but to see how close he is with eshir.
It hurts.

Feelings.

Just a short writeup before I sleep!
MYE results have been released. My results are definitely not ideal, not what I have expected. Nevertheless, I see it as a part of learning from my mistakes and hopefully not repeat them agn in promos!
Passed GP which made me quite relieved, although it's barely passed but I nvr expected myself to even sub pass it, so yup! :) Econs was such a disappointment although I knew I did badly. But I wasn't expecting such a grade. Math was quite surprising, contented with it but hoping to get an A for promos! :) History definitely can be improved. >< no words to say for literature because im still in the midst of grasping it...promos exams in another 8 weeks++, time is ultra fast in jc, omg!! Cannot believe that im ending my year one so soon. Really need to buck up for promos and get myself promoted. ><

On another note, we didnt text at all for exactly 1 week as of now! I get very affected by it. I check his WA last seen every few hours. Seeing him online makes me wonder if he's texting other girls. Seeing him online makes me wonder if he's texting me soon or if he's checking on me like how im checking on him. It's wrong but this shows that I care. Couldn't even rmb how many countless of times I check WA in one day. Every night before I sleep, I wonder if he missed me like how much I missed him. Not texting makes me realize the distance between us even more. Not texting somehow makes me feel even more insecure. I tell myself perhaps he needs his own time. I tell myself perhaps he is busy. But his text doesnt come as days passes. Cannot deny that I feel sad and disappointed because I couldnt even rmb when was the last time he automatically text me first. But agn, I tell myself to trust him. I trust that even without texting, we are still connected, somehow or another. I tell myself if I really love him, we dont have to text 24/7. Im trying my best to give us some time. But, jealousy still creeps in in my heart. I stalked his pw mates which was wrong of me. But I really couldnt help it. Guess that they went to catch a movie ytd if im not wrong. I'm trying to backout now.....
I feel so tired of missing him
I feel so tired of thinking about my insecurities
I feel so tired of waiting
I feel like giving up
But, smth in me makes me doesnt want to give up at the same time.
I understand that being in diff schools will definitely bring a change in us. I understand that both of us have our own group of friends and our own lives to carry on. I cannot simply ask him to not hang out with his friends just because of me.
Perhaps, I need to learn how to care lesser, be more independent.
Sometimes, I really wonder what is going through in his mind.
Is he really in love with me? Or is he in love with the idea of loving me? Are his feelings going to sustain? How much do I actually mean to him? How does he think of me, us? Do he think of 'us' when 'us' is not even present now? Does he see a future with me? Does he even include me in his future?

Changes.

Change. Change is inevitable as we grow up. Environment changes and so do we. These few days have been tiring and unbearable for me. Aft telling him I have began to open up more to him and not against the idea of us being tgt, our relationship really changes alot. I began to realize im not just opening up to him more. I began to realize the fact that he has alrdy became a part in me over the years, just that I know and simply ignored the fact or I only realize it now. I can clearly see the importance of him when I reflect on my actions. I cannot help but to be jealous over very little things. Perhaps due to the diff schl we are in now, it made me feel very insecure. Idk whats going on, trying to comprehend every overreaction of mine. Trying to control my feelings is just so tiring, so stressful, so intolerable. I nvr knew things could turn out this way for me, for us. I nvr see this day coming at all. But, I promise myself to care lesser from now on. I will try my best to focus on my studies each day, focusing on enjoying my life, focusing on creating new memories with new people. Can't wait to join the OGL camp to meet and interact with new people. :) I believe whats meant to be will be. No use forcing. On a side note, let me vent my feelings here. ><
I feel very affected by what he told me abt his ec. Abt him putting images of me onto the girl. Abt him being excited to talk to her. Abt him feeling eager to hug her. Since he can easily find someone similar to me 3months ago, he can also find a girl to his liking during the next 3months, next next 3months. I feel affected by how he treats girls sensitively. I feel affected by how he is close to eshir and they are in the same pw group. I feel affected by how he is still with her and the group at 11pm at night. I feel affected by the littlest thing possible. I feel annoyed by myself for being so possessive. I feel annoyed by myself for wanting to control him when he's already sacrificing so much. I feel annoyed by myself for being so demanding and selfish. I feel annoyed by myself for being so useless. Simply because, I care for him.