X

Can no longer distinguish his reply towards me as coldness/heckcare or because of promos...
Are these merely my insecurities?
I really dislike myself for being so insecure. And transferring all these insecurities to him during his promos period. I know I shld not and ought not to pass all my troubles to him...
MUST CONTROLLLLLL I WILL NOT TALK TO HIM ABT ESHIR ANYMORE. NOT AGAIN.
I must stop my care....
I must stop my feelings....

End.

Promos had ended as of ytd! Went to Gail's house aft having early dinner at J10 with N, B and Gail! We played with emma, the qtpie!! Left at arnd 8.45pm and was dead tired.
Met kh today since he is having 2 days of study break. Met at 8.50am, had kfc breakfast and went to causeway library! Was supposed to be in a good mood. But he ruined it...texting eshir in front of me at such early timing. I understand that it his promos, so all the 'ttyls' from him recently are understandable. Even though he is always still online aft ttyling me, I nvr asked him abt it. He explained it was because of mousehunt. Ya but being online for every 2min in whatsapp is definitely more than mousehunt. Still, I didnt ask him aft that one time. But I witnessed it myself today. Going out with me to study while texting her...when he studies alone, he will ttyl me. But if he studies with her, he wont bother to text me. Yet, texting her while studying with me. Everything is clearly presented. He can claim how much he loves me, how much im his priority and how much I matter to him as compared to other girls. But actions are louder than words. His actions simply doesnt tally with his words. If he really loves and chooses me, he shld not even text her with those emoji in the first place, joking or not, he shouldnt have. Yes, he did admit his feelings for her. But he did also claim that he had chosen me in the end. Yet he still goes on with his over interaction with her. True, I am in no position to comment on his behaviours, but I just feel really hurt. Hurt by his betrayal. If he did not tell me how much he loves me, how much I matter to him and whatnot, I wouldnt have had these expectations of him.
Can I really let go of him and dont mention a word abt bgr/eshir to him anymore? Can I really dont care abt him anymore? I really want to withdraw myself out of this. Fuck this shit.

X

On bus alone in 700A, otw home after meeting up with willeen in town.
Thinking abt Bryan.
We split ytd, initiated by me. I feel very sorry towards him, for causing hurt to me. Because kh still matters to me...
I know B can get over me quickly. But I have still hurt him afterall. All the memories that we have created, all the sweet texts.
Have not talked to kh for 5days alrdy. He initiated not to contact for now, at least till after my promos. What's my feelings for him, I really wonder abt this alot....