Another update!

No school today and tmrw cos no OP!
Did abit of I&R before heading to Gail's house at 2.30pm!
Reached at 3pm and started playing Dance Central, played with emma. Left her house for Hot Tomato at cwp at arnd 6.30pm! Took the bus at 8.20pm sharp. Alighted a stop before the usual one to take a walk with B. Walked towards bpps that route to near Gate A. With our hands holded. I feel blessed and happy now. :)
Silent night, wet floor. We tested hugging too. He lifted me up which doesnt work haha! As usual, we walked to HDB stairs to hug, but a woman walked past so we had to stop. We walked to blk 148 and climbed up to a story higher whr nobody is able to walk past and judge us. We hugged intensely. His hands arnd my waist, simply love that feeling. It turns me on tbh, even now that I think abt it. As usual, he doesnt want to let me go. He said he could feel my heartbeat, beating very fast. He still loves backhugs the most cos aft hugging, he gave me a backhug, kissed me on by neck. I love backhugs cos his hands are totally wraped arnd my waist. Wanted to take a photo but too hard. So forget it. Aft we are done, we went separate ways back home!
He's turning me into a "touchy" person. Honestly speaking, I want him to hug me aft ytd's hug. I just like him to touch me, esp waist. Staircase hugging isnt a bad thing cos although is secretive, that secretive makes me feel even more turned on. But I hate that we couldnt hug properly and had to rush. Just wanna sit down and cuddle with him. For a long long time. Without feeling stress. Just want him to continue touching me. ><
And I'm hoping to turn him on whenever we hug. :p

Backkk.

Done my OP today, like finallyyyy. Aft so many weeks of toture from wr and practices for OP. Everything is coming to an end soon on Friday, aft submission of GPF. Cant wait!! OP was alright I guess, everything just went past super quickly.
Got released at 12sharp and headed straight home! Gail had a talk with Bryan abt the confession.
Went home to slp for an hour and met Bryan in his condo at 3.30pm! Went to the cafe to do I&R till arnd 5.15pm and we went to slack arnd his condo. Had heart to heart talk like we usually do. Talked abt why he likes me so much, how much he wants to be tgt with me. And ofc my stand of not being tgt. We got very close tgt physically. Went to play the swing when he let loose. He wanted to touch me but was controlling very hard. So the swing gave him an excuse to touch my waist. For a short while. And we walked and walked. Sat in front of the pool and we talked dirty. He told him whenever he sees me, he is always getting an erection, just that he is controlling. Asked me if I did feel his dick whenever he hugs me. Haha and he told me his fantasies with me too. Basically just a talk abt dirty stuffs. But this means that we are close at a whole new level. I feel more comfortable than before. I feel happy.
At arnd 7.34pm I wanted to go home so we started walking. He offered to hold my hands, so we walked while holding hands which is very sweet. We decided to walk one more round before sending me home. But I started saying abt hugs and our height difference. So we decided to try the "steps hugging". So difficult to find a corner without anyone but with steps so that we can hug. So ended up going to staircase at some block.
So we hugged. His hands wrapping around my waist, gentle yet tightly. He couldnt get enough of it/me. So we hugged for super long. Released alrdy but him hugging me from the back, not wanting to let go. Saying I love you to me and sniffing my hair. Kissing my neck. I love his hands on my waist. I just feel very comfortable. But I hate how we have to do it in staircases or with steps cos we couldn't hug as and when we like...so when we were done we walked out and hugged at the carpark stairs, perfect!!!! But saw his dad while walking out to the back gate which was a fucking shock hahaha.
Overally today was a happy day. I kinda like him touching me now. Like my hair, my arms, especially my waist, major love!!! I hope we can hug longer in future, without stress. Like just long cuddles. I enjoy turning him on now haha. Looking forward to our next huggg which I cannot wait for alrdy. ><

Hectic.

LIt has been such a long, tiring, fucking pissed/frustrated/upset week from 12/10-19-10.
Nvr been so fucking pissed since that woman left. The whole entire pw grp, excluding gail. Fuck them srsly.
I cried every single day in schl.
Having to stay back till 9pm everyday, having to do drafts after drafts, yet receiving rework as comments.
No regular meals everyday.
Surviving the entire next day in schl with 4-5h of slp the previous night.
Fell sick. Gail too.
So on 17/10, I had no choice but to follow miss geri to teck whye mcd aft school closes at 9pm. But it was fun, ending the shitty week with laughters on friday.
Aloy and bryan's group were there too! Didnt manage to do much so I had to go back schl to meet miss geri on 18/10, saturday to do wr. Bryan came to join us aft he finished printing his wr which became the popular sample wr in 2 nights.
Was really grateful for him cos he helped me alot! We went to his house to do at 4pm all the way till 10pm.
He did rephrasing, formatting and 2 chapters for me. Was really weird to go to his house alone aft we split. Having dinner at his house aft working hard tgt. That was really memorable...
That night felt like we were back to the time when we were dating. Such intimacy, the support. The fun. The laughter. The comfort.
He walked me home and that few nights we did hug. It felt so surreal.
Today I met him at 10am at the resident's corner. Thought only had minor changes but ended up with quite some editing even though I woke up at 6am to edit.
No choice but to go up his house since im waiting for miss geri's reply. Had lunch at his house too! Feel so paiseh to always go his house! But yup, we did and did. Endless work of formatting. Page number fucks us up!!!
Rush to bukit timah shopping centre to print. Saw aloy in the same bus! Waited for an hour before it's our turn. And everything abt wr is over now, so happy. Next week onwards will be OP, my fear.
But im realy touched and grateful for B. He gave me all the support I need when I was down. Accompanied me whenever possible. Comfort me when I cry. Buying meals for me when I dont have time to eat. Ensuring that I drink enough water and eat med. Sending me home everynight. I really hope that I can depend and rely on him so that we can be closer. :)

Updates

24/09
Lit was the last paper which ended at 4pm! Headed to J10 with the three for dinner and went to Gail's house to play with emma, qtpie!! Reached home quite late, arnd 9pm+!
25/09
No paper so no school! Went out to study with kh although I have ended my promos! Met him but I was really upset cos he was texting eshir for the entire morning till 12pm when I asked him why he can ttyl me when he's studying but not ttyl to her. Im angry and pissed. But ya..
26/09
No paper no school! First proper shopping date with Gail, hehehe. ^^ met her at JEM at 10am for brunch at Marche. Had saugage and scrambled egg crepe with a cup of coffee. Food was nice and the ambience was good, totally loving it! Had alot of talkings done with Gail! Went to ION and started shopping from 1-3pm! Called N and B to meet at Gail's house thereafter! But emma had to leave when we reached. So we played rockband with gail and her brother! Nicole havent reach so I went down to fetch her so that we could have a talk! Got the shock of my life when we were abt to go back to Gail's house. Saw eshir walking down the long flight of stairs in front of her block while we were walking up...i turned away and told nicole. We then followed her all the way to cwp. She seemed to recognize me. We went to library building to the second floor so that I can look down and check if she's going to meet kh in the library. Waited for 20min but didnt see her. Scanned the second floor in the library and found them, along with the other john guy. Was really disappointed to witness that scene though. Nicole was really angry too. But we went back to gail's house and played rockband. FUNNNN.
We headed to cwp for Hot Tomato for dinner at 7pm! Food was damn nice hehe! Reached home at 9.30pm! Was damn tired to party for 3days consecutively!
28/09
Went to JEM din tai fung for mummy's belated birthday dinner. Quality family time that I enjoy with good food hehe so blessed!!
02/10
First kbox session with friends, the 3!! Sang all the popz songs haha likea club! We headed to J10 aft our class ends at 4pm! Sang till 7! Srsly fun hehe! Then headed to some BBQ chicken restaurant for dinner, fishnchips. Not really nice and quite expensive. Wouldnt return to dine agn. Walked home with bryan aft parting with N and G. The walk home was silent...i really dislike how we have become aft our split. Really hope we can return back to how we used to be...

X

Can no longer distinguish his reply towards me as coldness/heckcare or because of promos...
Are these merely my insecurities?
I really dislike myself for being so insecure. And transferring all these insecurities to him during his promos period. I know I shld not and ought not to pass all my troubles to him...
MUST CONTROLLLLLL I WILL NOT TALK TO HIM ABT ESHIR ANYMORE. NOT AGAIN.
I must stop my care....
I must stop my feelings....

End.

Promos had ended as of ytd! Went to Gail's house aft having early dinner at J10 with N, B and Gail! We played with emma, the qtpie!! Left at arnd 8.45pm and was dead tired.
Met kh today since he is having 2 days of study break. Met at 8.50am, had kfc breakfast and went to causeway library! Was supposed to be in a good mood. But he ruined it...texting eshir in front of me at such early timing. I understand that it his promos, so all the 'ttyls' from him recently are understandable. Even though he is always still online aft ttyling me, I nvr asked him abt it. He explained it was because of mousehunt. Ya but being online for every 2min in whatsapp is definitely more than mousehunt. Still, I didnt ask him aft that one time. But I witnessed it myself today. Going out with me to study while texting her...when he studies alone, he will ttyl me. But if he studies with her, he wont bother to text me. Yet, texting her while studying with me. Everything is clearly presented. He can claim how much he loves me, how much im his priority and how much I matter to him as compared to other girls. But actions are louder than words. His actions simply doesnt tally with his words. If he really loves and chooses me, he shld not even text her with those emoji in the first place, joking or not, he shouldnt have. Yes, he did admit his feelings for her. But he did also claim that he had chosen me in the end. Yet he still goes on with his over interaction with her. True, I am in no position to comment on his behaviours, but I just feel really hurt. Hurt by his betrayal. If he did not tell me how much he loves me, how much I matter to him and whatnot, I wouldnt have had these expectations of him.
Can I really let go of him and dont mention a word abt bgr/eshir to him anymore? Can I really dont care abt him anymore? I really want to withdraw myself out of this. Fuck this shit.

X

On bus alone in 700A, otw home after meeting up with willeen in town.
Thinking abt Bryan.
We split ytd, initiated by me. I feel very sorry towards him, for causing hurt to me. Because kh still matters to me...
I know B can get over me quickly. But I have still hurt him afterall. All the memories that we have created, all the sweet texts.
Have not talked to kh for 5days alrdy. He initiated not to contact for now, at least till after my promos. What's my feelings for him, I really wonder abt this alot....